Thursday, October 19, 2006

It.

It’s a regular day of a regular week. The only difference is in my attitude; my patience; my tension level; my workload; It’s feels like the time around me is moving so fast and I can see it running by. The moments floating by and I don’t even feel them. I am dancing on this hot plate for so long. Like a flame flickering under the shadow of that another one and another and another…

I see the Botticelli nude in front of me, on a shell, floating towards the shore; the Floyd’s nudes, relaxing; the Dali’s Toreador; and they make so much sense to me. I see the stony silence, I feel the unspoken words.

Somewhere careless whisper is being played, and the piano goes on the tune for clocks. It’s all inside of me. Or maybe not. Maybe its just my imagination. But I can feel the lyrics and music. I can sense the pain in his voice.

I can also see the words in black about the 14 year old victim in Iraq; victim of the ultimate crime; ripped off the innocence; torn apart; made to look at the slicing of her own sister and the death of her own parents by the US soldiers who are there to supposedly protect her from the people of her own country.

(http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/10/18/soldiers.court/index.html)

I can only imagine pain of that innocent child who is being punished for being born a girl; who is suffering so then she cannot enjoy the pleasure; because it’s a sin; Yes, her clitoris is being slashed/tortured and taken out while she is fully conscious.

(http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/)

I am scared for the pain she must have felt before being dismembered by her own boyfriend.

I am sick at the thought of someone being beheaded in the name of God.

I am tired of looking at the newspapers for the blasts that keep ripping my country apart; all in the name of religion. As though any religion would preach their people to kill innocent people; as though the messiah’s and prophets and preachers and saints walked this earth to tell their followers to hurt those around them. People fighting over a piece of land… the crown of India. Now one of the most dangerous place to be in. Forgotten beauty.

If it’s not the Oil wells, then why the trouble of working towards the democracy of that place. Its its not the intention of war then why the nuclear tests against all regulations. If its not for the child porn, then why the arrest.

If it’s not for me then why are you?

Here I am lying in bed, with a night lamp behind my back, just silence, and aqualung singing ‘strange and beautiful’ wondering about my own life’s vanity.

And all these thoughts just flooded in my mind. It was hard to breathe.

It has been an unusual day for me. I cant over the stupid act of yesterday driven by the building frustration and anger; at no one but at myself. The fights I am involved in with the closest people in my life. The love I have for people who care for none. The anger for people who are just being themselves. The blank look my roommate gives me everytime I look at her. The People who just cant get over the fact that I live my life for myself and not for them; who can’t understand that I am just working to live it; that I am just unable to spend time over phone talking for long hours; people who demand attention all the freaking time. The professor who would ask me millions of questions before signing my time-sheet. The brooding trip next weekend. The expectations people have for me; not everyone just who love me. The friend who judges me by the clothes I wear and shades I wear. The guy who just want to dance with me on the dance floor because the pheromones are high. The girls who look at me up and down. The one think I cant stop thinking about. The only one who is the cause of all the pain and anguish.

But see, no matter how insignificant my problems are they are mine, and mine only. I want to do something, anything for those who need me. I want to give out so much, because I know I can. I just need time, and patience and the release from the khich-khich of marriage and finding a life-partner. I’d rather multiply without the superficial bonds. Like the nature does, not the rules and norms of the society.

I just need time. And I will make a change.

2 Comments:

Blogger cosmosterone said...

sometimes people realize later in their lives that they've committed mistakes.. allow them to come to terms with themselves.. and then they'll be grateful for having a beautiful friend such as you..

10/19/2006 06:28:00 AM  
Blogger Pratik said...

It could be so much easier if we could readily ignore people. But somehow, it requires a great deal of effort and is quite often accompanied by guilt. I quite admire those who are being themselves - it's no mean feat. But admiration doesn't necessarily breed inspiration, in fact it acts as a hindrance. There's nothing wrong with living life for yourself; it'll benefit people around you as well. The way I look at it is : you can't satisfy other people, if you yourself aren't satisfied with your life.

So stick to it Toska! Someday, you'll make that change ....

10/22/2006 04:41:00 AM  

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