Toska

How to Dance Like a White Guy

2006-12-16T16:26:00.001-05:00

hehehe...I dunno what is it with me and dancing! i just cant take bad dancers....or...umm...nvm ;)

You. Yes, you...

2006-12-16T03:07:00.000-05:00

There are some things which can just make you stop, take a deep breath and just look. Look at that person/thing which just took your breath away, maybe if not to that extent, but still leave you wondrous and in awe. It could be a moment, a rare sight, a moment when you felt truly loved, or a naughty thing you did with a person you are completely comfortable with.

I do mix very easily with people; people who enjoys being with people; people with whom one can have fun with. But, I don’t get close to very many people. Maybe it’s a self-preservation thing. It so can happen, that YOU might feel close me, but I won’t. Heh, I can’t explain that. So, because of this, I have had many friends, but very few close friends. In fact I can count them off my fingers (from Kindergarten). So, here are a few words of respect to the people who came into my life, influenced me (or are influencing me), truly cared about me (maybe still do) and I did the same for them.

I will go chronologically or will I not? Not sure. But, I will not write names, as I do not want this entry to hit search engines. If they will ever read this, they will know who they are, if not, then… :~) …these words will still be here.

As I was sitting in the room, I did hear this person swearing really strongly at someone on the other end of the room. Apparently they had a fight over lunch. In looks, that one could be described as the most common face, but the smile…she had a Monalisa smile. I was a loner, I rebellious child (still am, but subdued version…lol), an introvert, and used to sit on the last bench because of my height. It was my first day in class. I was in my pink frock, and feeling very conspicuous amongst the ‘green’ery around me. Next day I went to her and asked if I could share my lunch with her. Now, here I can not even begin to describe the importance of sharing lunch over the lunch-break. It defines a boundry, a circle of trust, a group with a set of rules which you must adhere to. Ofcourse, it was not known to me that time. Naïve, I would like to call myself. So, after hearing my request, the girl I used to sit beside in class, looked at me with hatred in her soon-to-be averted eyes. Of course the person at whom the question was directed understood, and accepted me gladly in her ‘group’ after expressing her surprise at the request. 6 girls we were; very unusual, of different backgrounds, different thoughts, and different temperaments. Anyways, that was the day and this is the day. We still share the same bond which we did those years ago. We have fought over silly anonymous calls to guys, we have discussed logic behind a stupid geography paper, we have failed tests together and got punishments together for talking too much, had an amazing crush on a Mr. Caprio.( my crushes moved on to rough looking guys since then, but she is still smitten with him ;~) ). I think I still have that scrapbook on every little piece of article about Titanic or Dicaprio. Its funny, how we could never stopped talking to each other, there was always something to talk about…something to conspire about, something to do, something to gossip about.

I was so lost without you in that new city I moved to. It was hard to cope up without you. I had not idea, who to trust or who to turn to for help in need. They were ready to pounce on me, ready to use me or crush me and move on. I was so used to you.

But, I did survive, though it took me a while. Your letters kept me going and I still have still treasured them. I can never tell you how much your friendship meant to me, how it has helped me through hard times. How good I feel when you still get mad at me for my wild and crazy love stories. How much your support means to me. How the fact, that you never judged me and always stood beside me matters to me. I can’t explain all that to you. But I can just tell you that you are one of the precious gems I will always treasure, and be sure that I will be there for you...until I can.

Wow! I did Go overboard with this one. :~) Well, there is more to come and I will edit it in near future. With exams and projects over, I have else nothing much to do….but now, I am sleepy

…

Gay Rights

2006-12-10T17:44:00.000-05:00

....Gay Rights....

coming up soon

I have to articulate and organize my thgts...but yeah..every human should be treated the same, be it race-color-religion and now, out choice. We are defined by our choices...thats one thing God gave us...now how did religion got the right to interfere with it and treat gay-people any differently...

we'll see..

~Irony~

2006-12-08T11:12:00.001-05:00

~High on ATB~

2006-12-03T03:51:00.001-05:00

~High on ATB~

2006-12-02T06:54:00.001-05:00

It.

2006-10-19T00:38:00.000-04:00

It’s a regular day of a regular week. The only difference is in my attitude; my patience; my tension level; my workload; It’s feels like the time around me is moving so fast and I can see it running by. The moments floating by and I don’t even feel them. I am dancing on this hot plate for so long. Like a flame flickering under the shadow of that another one and another and another…

I see the Botticelli nude in front of me, on a shell, floating towards the shore; the Floyd’s nudes, relaxing; the Dali’s Toreador; and they make so much sense to me. I see the stony silence, I feel the unspoken words.

Somewhere careless whisper is being played, and the piano goes on the tune for clocks. It’s all inside of me. Or maybe not. Maybe its just my imagination. But I can feel the lyrics and music. I can sense the pain in his voice.

I can also see the words in black about the 14 year old victim in Iraq; victim of the ultimate crime; ripped off the innocence; torn apart; made to look at the slicing of her own sister and the death of her own parents by the US soldiers who are there to supposedly protect her from the people of her own country.

(http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/10/18/soldiers.court/index.html)

I can only imagine pain of that innocent child who is being punished for being born a girl; who is suffering so then she cannot enjoy the pleasure; because it’s a sin; Yes, her clitoris is being slashed/tortured and taken out while she is fully conscious.

(http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/)

I am scared for the pain she must have felt before being dismembered by her own boyfriend.

I am sick at the thought of someone being beheaded in the name of God.

I am tired of looking at the newspapers for the blasts that keep ripping my country apart; all in the name of religion. As though any religion would preach their people to kill innocent people; as though the messiah’s and prophets and preachers and saints walked this earth to tell their followers to hurt those around them. People fighting over a piece of land… the crown of India. Now one of the most dangerous place to be in. Forgotten beauty.

If it’s not the Oil wells, then why the trouble of working towards the democracy of that place. Its its not the intention of war then why the nuclear tests against all regulations. If its not for the child porn, then why the arrest.

If it’s not for me then why are you?

Here I am lying in bed, with a night lamp behind my back, just silence, and aqualung singing ‘strange and beautiful’ wondering about my own life’s vanity.

And all these thoughts just flooded in my mind. It was hard to breathe.

It has been an unusual day for me. I cant over the stupid act of yesterday driven by the building frustration and anger; at no one but at myself. The fights I am involved in with the closest people in my life. The love I have for people who care for none. The anger for people who are just being themselves. The blank look my roommate gives me everytime I look at her. The People who just cant get over the fact that I live my life for myself and not for them; who can’t understand that I am just working to live it; that I am just unable to spend time over phone talking for long hours; people who demand attention all the freaking time. The professor who would ask me millions of questions before signing my time-sheet. The brooding trip next weekend. The expectations people have for me; not everyone just who love me. The friend who judges me by the clothes I wear and shades I wear. The guy who just want to dance with me on the dance floor because the pheromones are high. The girls who look at me up and down. The one think I cant stop thinking about. The only one who is the cause of all the pain and anguish.

But see, no matter how insignificant my problems are they are mine, and mine only. I want to do something, anything for those who need me. I want to give out so much, because I know I can. I just need time, and patience and the release from the khich-khich of marriage and finding a life-partner. I’d rather multiply without the superficial bonds. Like the nature does, not the rules and norms of the society.

I just need time. And I will make a change.

smallville music video - superman

2006-10-09T00:32:00.000-04:00


Ah....I think I feel in love...yet again....this time with his smile... day dreams

I am myself...nothing like you, anyhow...

2006-09-21T20:42:00.000-04:00

Yeah..So it happened again. no, won't let it bring me down. never again.
Why? why does it happen? why does it matter? Why the HELL do I care? Why the hell would I let that worthless self-conscious peice of crap look at me in the eye and tell me that it just want to be left alone with string of excuses? Why do I keep going back again and again? Why do I keep asking again and again?

Yes..cuz LIKE HELL i care! Like Hell, i have a heart! Like hell I feel! God help me for feeling, responding, asking being curious.

Fuck 'em all! I swear.
No more importance...why should I? just make me feel like a fool! just make me feel like a begger! Like hell I can survive without them! so far I have...in future I will too!

They don't need to understand, I do. I can survive without them. I can live without them in my life trying to mess me up. they are confused, restriced...why should I be? I am nothing like them.

It's like I will try to have somthing which I can't have. but that's how humans are. We try to get something which is un-accessible; atleast those who can feel and want. Yeah, so what? I am no exception. but the thing is...I am! I don't feel like you. I don't restrict like you. I do sweat in desire like you don't. I don't lie like the way you do. I don't blame me for half the things in my life.

I am myself...nothing like you, anyhow...

Looks ain't everything..

2006-09-06T16:02:00.000-04:00

I think Tom Welling has the best smile but the worst dance moves.

Marriage..

2006-09-01T18:46:00.000-04:00

The next thing I do not like beside the fact that I am 23 year old girl now, is the fact that I am a 23 year old ‘Indian’ girl. At my age, we are always asked to present ourselves in the nicest possible ways. Prepare a song so then you can sing when the occasion arises. Prepare a dance so then you can do it when in a family function. Don’t wear this, don’t wear that. Sit like this, sit like that. After the meal is over, rush out to pick up everyone’s plate even if you are not done eating. Why is that dress cut-sleeves? Why is that skirt over your knees? Why do you wear shorts to the beach? Why do you have so many guy friends? Who just called?

I mean etiquettes are one thing, but suffocating the air out of your lungs for taking a deep breath is another! I am not saying that I resist this idea of protecting women. But then why are we faced with so many restrictions and so many questions? I mean, why?

Well, It shouldn’t be a surprise, someone’s grandma liked the fact that I was dressed in a sari in one of the functions. The fact that I was doing my MS in SE and my height were definitely constituted as plus points. Not to mentions the ‘sight in sari’ I presented.

She approached my family and the talks continued. After my entire family was interviewed and I was not even consulted (which just don’t make sense…) the lady of the other house(my supposedly future-mother-in-law) announced the most amazing idea: The ‘bahu’ should become house-wife after the wedding. So, basically my quarter-century-led-life worth of education held no meaning to this profound family!

*Gets up and applaud*

I am interested in modeling, traveling the world, learning about new religion, and many things I dun even wanna mention here, but when I talk about them to anyone here...I get the same reply ‘ do it after you get married’ . I mean, why is it that everything begins and ends at marriage? Why that husband’s concent on everything is required? Be it from the length of clothes you wear to the places you visit? Why is that I am beginning to feel like either I should get married to the first guy my family would bring to me or my permanent elopement? My ‘janamkundali’ has been the talks of evening discussions of almost everyone in the family now…The auspicious periods of time have been calculated when I have a ‘shaadi ka yog’for the next three years..(trust me, I have plenty…by the various ‘jyotshis’). The ‘pandits’ are also picking up chits of paper scribbled ‘love marriage’ or ‘arrange marriage’.

I think, I just can’t wait for my wedding day!

How hard is it to be happy?

2006-08-02T22:50:00.000-04:00

So, is it too much to find pleasures in simple things? Things like smelling the flowers. Things like watching the sunset? Things like getting ready and go out.

Girls often like to do this. They would find excuses to get ready and go out. I have known girls to dress up for throwing trash. That gave them happiness. It would be a 5 minutes walk to the trash can, but it was their daily ritual. I would hear giggling in the bathroom and then suddenly we’d have 2 ladies properly attired. A white bag in the hands of one and numerous small bags from the bathroom and bedrooms in the hands of another. It gave me pleasure seeing them getting so excited about such a mundane task. Why? What is wrong seeing someone happy. It always gives me pleasure. Such a basic thing it is, this happiness.

I cook and it makes me happy (mind you, not everyday! :-D) I watch Small-Ville and seeing Tom Welling smile, definitely makes me happy! When Rose and Jack uttered those 2 lines ‘do you trust me?’…’ I trust you’, that made me happy :~)

The upcoming boat trip is making me happy. The coming semester is me anxious but certainly excited and happy. The thought that we’d be having a Diwali function this year again, and we’d have as much fun as we did last year…is making me happy. I’d be celebrating my birthday with my family after 5 years, is making me so happy! And not to mention the gifts! ;-)

How can one not find happiness is such basic tasks? Seeing beauty in any form makes anyone happy. Then why the thought of going on a boat trip is just comparable to sitting on your bed. Are they not different? How can they be similar? Why, is there no difference sitting on a beach and sitting in your drawing room?

How hard is it to feel? How hard is it to reciprocate? How hard it to articulate?

I will always wonder…

Well..

2006-08-02T22:31:00.000-04:00

I was coming back from the mall the other day. Took a cab. Cab driver was quite friendly, not like some of the other cab drivers I have met..who would just look you down just because you are brown. Anyways, so he started talking about school, and told me very interesting facts about my own school. He was a 1998 graduate. I was fighting the desire to ask him about his current job ( ERAU graduate…pilot…driving cabs?) when he mentioned what he has been upto for past 2 years. He was fighting in Iraq. Well, obviously that tweaked my curiosity. We started talking…

He told me about how they are ‘fighting back’.

M: So, do you receive orders as to where you have to attack next?

D:No, we attack when they attack.

M: But, what is the reason for them to attack you.

D: Because we are on their soil.

Well, my destination arrived. Would have wanted to talk more..But he was assigned a new call. We bade goodbye.

I have been in this country for how long now? 3 years. And I have started showing interest in politics in last few months. All I could see from their actions is this:

Bush: Pokes nose in everyone’s business. Sometimes pokes too hard.

Rice: Runs around to placate the ones which have been poked too hard

Musharraf: is still trying to find his underwear lost between the kargil war and the massive earthquake.

Manmohan Singh: Well, kursi- kursi ka rona hai …bas wahin atke pade hain. Sonia ji ka raaj hai.

Blair: Well, the ‘shit’ty experience proved ki kaun kiska langotia yaar hai.

Laden: BOOM- BOOM- BOOM. It’s all in the name of God! We want peace! We will get peace! BOOM-BOOM-BOOM

No offence meant of-course…that is what my understanding is. ;~)

Sponge

2006-08-01T13:41:00.000-04:00

10/20/2004
Its weird, you reach out to touch…to feel….and when you do, you absorb the essence of it. This essence is what makes you unique for that particular feeling. You held it for a moment in your hands, captured it, realized it, but when you tried to let it go, it didn’t. Apparently, it became a part of you, something inseparable. Its essence gone, but merged with you, inside of you.
Its you now. Period.

08/1/2006
No, I think the essence isn't gone. It's disolved in me forever.

Oh! what I could not do for it to leave me and go away...
Oh! what I could feel but not potray...
Oh! what I could do and not betray...
Oh! but it's gone and left be astray.

Breathing.

2006-07-28T08:29:00.000-04:00

It's a kind of a day today...I am so uncomfortable. Sometimes It's hard to be like yourself. Or maybe it's not too hard. I just gotta stop thinking about trying to be myself and just be! Maybe I am thinking too much. Maybe I need to calm downa and just breathe. Life is all about breathing...you know? Breathing calmly and steadily. Yeah, I'll breathe. And then since I am so precious I'll continue doing so. Princess? Sure. Yeah. Right..!
Don't think...just breathe..1...2...3...see? again...1...2...3..
Good Gurl.

:~)

I feel worse now. Should have never open my mouth. Should have kept quiet.
Breathe....1...2...3....
1...2...3...
...

It's time.

2006-07-27T15:56:00.000-04:00

So..Yeah. It’s that time of the life. The moment has arrived. That call. Those talks.

The call, which I have avoided for as long as I remember. The call which even makes you sweat even in the coldest of temperature. The discussion, which every parent of a grown up girl consider their right. That hesitation. That speech which precedes the ultimate decision. That dialogue which follows the decision.

I feel like I am exposed to the world. I feel as if nothing else would matter anymore since the decision is made. The freedom is taken away under the pretence of responsibilities and maturity. It’s the ultimate thing. We were born to multiply. So we should do it in a proper ceremony. With proper arrangements. Through proper channels. The channel being Times of India Matrimonails, Hindustan Times Matrimonails. Shaadi.com. Or maybe that Auntyji who has been keeping an eye on you for her son(maybe cousin’s son) since the first time she saw you making a sand castle outside her house. Or maybe through that pundit who has been visiting your house and doing ‘kathas’ for any auspicious ceremony. Or maybe through that grandma who saw you dressed up in someone’s wedding ceremony.

So, the discussion goes like this:

P: So, beta. You must have thought what you want in future. You should make a diary and keep noting down the things you want, how do you see yourself in future.

M: Yes, papa.

P: Yeah, have you decided how long you gonna study.

M: Yes, papa.

P: Good. So you are to start working next year when you graduate.

M: Yes, papa.

P: Then you must have also thought that you are the eldest one in the family.

M: Yes, papa.

P: Well, we have decided to start finding a suitable guy for you then. One that you will make you happy, is well educated, and is stable in life. And we want you to get married by 2007.

M: (deep breathing)Yes, papa.

P: Yes, beta. I have created a link for you in Shaadi.com and I am going to take out adds in TOI and HT and then as the suitors would come along, we can start the process

M: (sweating) Yes, papa.

P: Good. I have made an account for you. This is the password and this is the account name. Enter the details you want your future husband to have; and something about yourself. Make it look good. Then we will find a beautiful picture for you and put it up there. Email me the details too, I would need it for the TOI.

M: (asphyxiated) Yes, papa.

P: Good. Okay, then I will wait for your mail.

M: Yes, papa

P: Bye beta.

M: Bye papa.

Yeah. So I am out there now. Splattered across millions of newspapers. Waiting for that special someone to make me happy. Waiting for that email which would carry promises of a wonderful and lovely future.

The doomsday has arrived.

The quest has begun

It’s time to become someone else now.

It’s the time to behold your destiny and prepare yourself to give it out to a total stranger.

It’s time to multiply.

It’s time to follow the family tradition of being a part of the matrimonial quest.

It’s time to lock the lingering skeletons and move on for good.

It’s time to scatter the ashes in a fast moving river.

It’s time..

..for me to be out there.

No one betrays anyone but your own expectations...

2006-07-18T14:48:00.000-04:00

It is good to think like this only if you want every single ounce of sadness and hurt upon your own shoulders. I won’t say that it won’t guarantee one not getting betrayed again to some extent.

It never hurts to believe in this theory, but it DOES make you close all sorts of doors. Someone once told me that it’s called ‘solitude’. Someone called it ‘taking time’ the other called it ’need space’.

You expect your mom to take care of you when you down with flu/fever

You expect you brother to punch in that guy’s nose in who broke your heart

You expect your best friend to listen to your failed attempts to get to talk to that mouth watering ( :-D) neighbor.

You expect great deal of food from your grandmother in your summer vacation

You expect your date to show up on time with flowers to apologize for making you wait

You expect a gift on your birthday

You expect someone to say those three magical words and mean it too

You do expect a good grade even though you know you have just worked on the project/assignment/exam only for those wee hours of the night.

You do expect to get loved in return.

It’s true, no one betrays us but our own expectations, but nothing betrays the heart more than having no-expectations.